Becoming Parents, Staying Partners

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My husband is the best. He's kind, he's smart, he's caring, he's thoughtful, he's funny, he's the world's greatest cuddler, and he's the only person I've ever met who I never tire of. 

I've been in love before, but it wasn't anything close to this. This accepting, exciting, warm, safe, head over heels love sans insecurities or incompatibilities is seriously so far beyond my wildest dreams that I wonder sometimes if I'm going to wake up and realize that the past two years have been some sort of far-fetched coma dream. If I did, I think I'd still be grateful for the time.

As those of you who've been reading my blog for a while know, my husband and I are (surprise!) expecting a child together in this upcoming January. Eep! I'm so excited and so, so happy. There is no one I would rather be moving into this next phase of life, parenthood, with.

Still, the first phase of our life together with just the two of us has been so wonderful that I very much hope we bring a lot of that into the next phase with us. And so I'm setting some goals for myself and my relationship, because having a solid framework to come back to helps me stay on target. 

A researcher by both nature and nurture (I'm the child of a professor and a librarian), I've been soaking up all that I can about relationship management through the first-time-parents transition. I've been reading all the books I can get my hands on and listening to all the podcasts I can download for my morning strolls. 

Something that keeps coming up is appreciation. It's not that couples want to start taking each other for granted, but time pressures, stress, and plain old human acclimatization make it the default path if you don't actively, consciously work to avoid it.

Goal 1: Take a few minutes every day to feel gratitude for my husband and our relationship. 

Life gets busy and that'll be even more true with a newborn, but I can always find two or three minutes for my priorities. Our relationship is a priority. 

Today, I am grateful for how understanding my husband is. 

I am grateful for how he's been there for me through my very rough first trimester and the morning (all day) sickness that I still occasionally struggle with. 

I am grateful for how generous he is, always offering to take off time from work to bring me to my obstetrician appointments without me asking even though he isn't allowed into the appointments themselves and has to wait patiently outside (gosh darn covid-19). 

I am grateful for how safe he makes me feel in his arms, how he can always make me smile, how he smells like heaven on earth, and how much he cares about me.

Today, tomorrow, and for all the rest of my days, I am grateful for the wonderful, inspiring person that my husband is.

Goal 2: Make one-on-one time regularly.

When you're just a twosome, the vast majority of your time together is high quality one-on-one time. We've been enjoying a lot of it in the past five months of quarantining together and spending pretty much all of our time together! It's been wonderful having him around so much.

When a baby joins the family, having one on one time takes conscious effort and planning. But doing that work is worth it, to keep the romance alive. Just spending an hour in the evening together, cuddling and talking about the day, is a great way to stay connected as a twosome on a daily basis. 

I also think it's important to take more structured, extended time once a week for a date night. Whether that's dressing up and going out for sushi, taking a long walk and talk for two, going to a game night with friends (technically not one-on-one, but still the sort of thing that you did in pre-parenting times), it's a way to stay connected with who you were as a couple before you became parents, when you two were the only ones who mattered.

What I never want is to end up merely living alongside my husband. The life we live together makes me so happy! I want to intentionally continue to live with my husband, and not just next to my husband, for the rest of our days.

Goal 3: Communicate proactively.

When you're juggling a million things - work, childcare, a household - it's easy to find yourselves communicating more about topical things and less about bigger issues. 

Having regular check-ins about how you're feeling, what is and isn't working well, etc. can help you prevent issues building up over time. It's much easier to solve a problem early, when it's small, than it is to solve it after it's been bugging your partner for months and months (if not years!) and building into a much bigger issue. 

I try to do this now already, but will continue to do so once we're parents. Date night is a great time for this, because you want to open up the conversation when you're both relaxed, have time to really think and talk, and are focused fully on each other!

Anyway, I'm not an expert. These are just my thoughts and goals, from spending a lot of time thinking about it and researching strategies. I'd love to hear from those of you who've already lived it!

Especially for couples who've been together for 15, 20, 30+ years, what do you do to always keep the romance fresh and stay appreciative of your love?